It's 8pm, am struggling hard to think how do I begin, after such long silence in the blog. Looking back my previous blog, am encouraged to see the "Shirley" that able to express her heart freely. Am evaluating the Shirley now - quiet, emotionless, without any expression. As if she has just been given with high dose injection of anesthetic & getting numb with her feeling. Just can't find the light on her face. **Sigh** What a depressive blog introduction to begin with.
Am home - not home in Penang, but home in Singapore. Blogging from the usual place, the exact location I used to sit - in front of the computer with the fan blowing on my face. Went to JB yesterday, just wanna get away from Singapore. Stayed with Celina, don't want to stay alone. Gavin is back in Ipoh, preparing for wedding matters. Celina is now out with friend & I was too tired to follow. Work has taken a whole lot of me, getting tired so easily. Been 5 months plus in Singapore and am still floating. Am just wondering.. what is God purpose for me here? Or is it me that refused to see the light at end of the tunnel? What am I passionate about in life? I need to find back the passion in me. No, I can't remain the state that I am.. it gonna kill me with such negativism. It's a matter of choice. Again and again it's a matter of choice... but why I just can't overcome it.. feeling so defeated and aimless in life. Wonder what good God has installed for us here.. Singapore? So that we can be together? So that we can learned to walk out of our comfort zone? So that we can stretched our faith? There must be more than this...
What the future holds? What about after our wedding.. But if we were to know everything that is laid down for us, what gonna happen 5 years down the road, if we already know and able to see the future, then why more do we need God, or even to have faith? Where is my trust now? Am I trusting man and the things of the world, the things that is seen, or am I trusting the God who is unseen but faithful to the end. Maybe I just need to hold on to something, am feeling am floating - imagine myself floating in the air and couldn't even grab hold of anything.. at any second am about to fall and break into pieces.
Hey, hold on to Him... back to the basic, the fundamental truth of trusting Him and loving Him with the simple childlike faith. Chien Kuan said, she wished to find back her innocence. Me? I need to go back to that childlike simple trust, trusting Daddy's love and His hands that take hold of me. Even when I am about to fall, I need to believe that He is there.. HERE... in front of me, waiting to embrace me, and say "It's okay, it's okay, you are safe with me". I need the assurance that I am not walking alone, am not venturing into the unknown with my own strength. He is always by my side, maybe sometimes I shut myself from Him, thinking that I don't deserve that love, when I keep failing, I can't be better, He must be disappointed with me...
Oh Daddy am so tired. I really feel like giving up. Am not sure anymore... I've lost the joy. Search me and know me, search me through and through. See if there is any offensive ways in me, lead me to Your everlasting. Teach me not to hold it so tight that I loose sight of You, but help me to let loose, to open up and to allow You to take over... Please Daddy, come and take over.. Take over my heart, my mind, my soul. Take over, I don't know how to drive anymore,.. take over the front seat, let me take the passenger seat.
Lamentations 5:15-22
15 Joy is gone from our hearts;
our dancing has turned to mourning.
16 The crown has fallen from our head.
Woe to us, for we have sinned!
17 Because of this our hearts are faint,
because of these things our eyes grow dim
18 for Mount Zion, which lies desolate,
with jackals prowling over it.
19 You, O LORD, reign forever;
your throne endures from generation to generation.
20 Why do you always forget us?
Why do you forsake us so long?
21 Restore us to yourself, O LORD, that we may return;
renew our days as of old
22 unless you have utterly rejected us
and are angry with us beyond measure.
